The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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