I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
