He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
