this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
