So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
