Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
