Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
