he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
