You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
She's the barista slut.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
