thus making me awesome and them whores
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
home. puking in laundry basket.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
