Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
