Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
