Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
