At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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