I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
