I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I need to sanitize my soul.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
