I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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