I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
