im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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