No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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