I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
