better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
