Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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