you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
