Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
