I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
