I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
