I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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