i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
