It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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