we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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