I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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