You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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