I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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