i love accidental penises.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
