the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
