Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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