just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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