Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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