I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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