I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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