May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
