I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
