You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
