considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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