1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
