You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
She bit a glass in half.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
