i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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