when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
