my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
