so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You're a disaster
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