respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize