If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
