says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
being pregnant is like rehab
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
