the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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