I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We need a shit load of segways right now
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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