I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
