i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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