I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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