Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
