There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
