He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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