I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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