one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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