I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
