so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
