lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
