im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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