i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
