Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
