one word: firstdatebathroomanal
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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