Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
